Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
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Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Close call…
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)