@VerifiedJayy: Good friends are hard to find. Especially if they stabbed me in the back. In fact you won't find them officer. Stop looking
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@thenatewolf: *a man runs into the bar* "HELP HELP, IS ANYONE HERE COUSINS WITH BON JOVI?" *my date looks at me, I do nothing, my lies are now exposed*
@Tommytoughstuff: [briefing] CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak... CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up) CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation. CP: (slowly sits back down)
@abhorrent_wife: There is no amount of money I wouldn't pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
@SortaBad: Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it'd be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?