Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
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”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Just a friendly reminder!
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.