Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
You Might Also Like
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.