Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
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I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
my one true gender
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame