Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
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we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches