Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
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“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”