Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
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Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Adultry does not sound fun at all
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend