Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
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It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.