Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
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everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.