Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
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My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
I’m good, thanks.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Livid.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers