Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
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ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–