Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
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*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.