Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
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“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
@funTweeters
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.