I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
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The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.