Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
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[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Tier 3 meme
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.