@david8hughes: [1st day as lifeguard] Guy: there's someone drowning in the water Me [not looking up from phone]: well it'd be hard to drown in the sand

@AnkCoupleTO: [Easter] Her: Where should I hide the eggs? Me: Not in your ovaries, I've already found two H: I was referring to our children M: So was I

@sbellelauren: god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy

@ActualPerson084: FREE IPAD FOR ANSWERING A SIMPLE SURVEY. 1) WHERE DO YOU LIVE? 2) DO YOU OWN WEAPONS? 3) WHEN ARE YOU MOST VULNERABLE? #NIGHTOFTHEFREEIPAD

@cool_as_heck: Boy: I wish more girls liked farming Girl: I like farming Boy: Lol oh yeah? Name the 5 most water-efficient irrigation systems of the 1980s