Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
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the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
WTF
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van