My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
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wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Many hands make light work
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what