Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
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doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
an airline just for babies.
When I laugh on my period
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles