Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
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Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese