Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
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Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
This was a bad idea all around
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Hero horse inspires millions
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!