Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
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[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?