Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
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Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”