“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
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Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.