“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
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[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.