“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
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Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
men are simple creatures
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics