Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
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Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
*cough*
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.