@Jarhead44: Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
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@Fred_Delicious: "so doc... am I dying?" "we're all dying, just at different speeds" "but what about me" "You're like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao"
@Whitnuts: My liver's so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it's family very proud. Weren't expecting that, huh? Racist.
@T_Bonezzz_: With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon. *Pages stick together
@Brianhopecomedy: My wife: "What are you doing?" "Having an argument on Twitter" "With a man or woman?" "A lamp."