Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
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*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Lmfao
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]