@Jandalize: Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
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@3sunzzz: Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, "This is my boy Jack, he's as dumb as a bag of hair."
@sonictyrant: [Picking up elderly in-laws at the airport] WIFE: was renting the hearse absolutely necessary? ME: renting?
@TomTheWicked: If I've learned anything from Twitter, it's that you shouldn't be learning on Twitter.
@OhMattyBoy: I love the people in parking lots with "free kittens" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn't be oppressed.