People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
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Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.