Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
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My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down