Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
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I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
You can’t rush stupid.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww