Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
You Might Also Like
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
i wish we could shoplift online
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.