Good morning.
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My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying