At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
You Might Also Like
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.