Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
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Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.