Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
You Might Also Like
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”