Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
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<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
$4 #usedbooks
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…