Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
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I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son