Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
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Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
This will never not be funny to me.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother