Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
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The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.