Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
You Might Also Like
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Based Erika
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn