@shariv67: Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
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@ojedge: "Tim's coming tonight" "Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?" [in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
@shutupmikeginn: I just walked in on two coworkers crying in a conference room and I was like, "mind if I join?"
@davedittell: prayers by believers to a "Sweet Jesus" imply additional deities: Sour Jesus, Salty Jesus, Umami Jesus and, most frighteningly, Bitter Jesus