Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
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being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x