@Cyd10e: Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
@murrman5: *walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
"my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking"
@Prero22: Person: It's not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
@shutupmikeginn: 346 character anecdote
@Matt_The_1st: Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
@mstern68: Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it's adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS