@Cyd10e: Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
@bobvulfov: [cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what's the problem officer
@david8hughes: [baby sitting]
"Hey, yeah it's me. No, everything's fine. Just a quick question about his legs."
"So how many legs did he have?"
@XOperfectmessXO: *eats banana seductively
Banana: I have a boyfriend
@reczit: Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
@Carter_TCB: One time I accidentally gave my cat acid. Thought he would really freak out but he just looked at me calmly and said meow for 10 hours.