@Cyd10e: Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
@extranapkins: The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago... on this very night
@kwirkyKerri: I hate it when I forget my password and don't answer my secret questions right. It's like I don't even know me.
@batkaren: Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won't stop grinding its teeth.
@Just_Oh_Susanna: Like my parents always said, "you're in the wrong house, you live next door".
@trims_the_fat: I put winks at the end of texts to add a confusing air of creepy.
"Making breakfast. ;)"
"Walking the dog. ;)"
"Broke in to your house ;)"