@Cyd10e: Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
@Dawn_M_: [Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
@JaySuch: My doctor told me if I was 5" taller I'd be at the ideal weight, so I'm going to try and give that a shot.
@kwirkyKerri: Facebook tells me those vans are dangerous, but Twitter says they have candy. So conflicted.
@KirstenCatClub: [God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
@huntigula: Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*