Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
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HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing