@pixelatedboat: Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn't find the other guy's arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
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@what_a_messs: Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game *guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
@Cheeseboy22: I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word "whatevs" for the first time, so 17 years. It's been a good run.
@ThisOneSayz: Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big. Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he? Me: on the wall! Hitman: that's a spider Me: kill it!
@patrickmarkryan: *filming the Buick commercial with Matthew McConaughey* "the leather keeps sticking to my back" "for the last time Matt keep ur shirt on"