Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
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If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere