Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
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wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.