“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
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DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
The point of your 20s
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres