@WheelTod: "Good parenting isn't giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself" I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
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@Mikecanrant: A guy with a locked account just asked me why I never retweet him. Stay in school kids.
@Marlebean: Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well... except when it rains.
@murrman5: [determined not to have any awkward silence during date] "so, what's your favorite part of a banana?"