“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
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I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.