15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
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What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
At least try to make it slightly believable
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”