good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
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“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no